Part V – Imagine

“I hope one day you’ll join us and the world will be as one…” – John Lennon

Imagine if we really could come together as one? Imagine if we could really come to the same realisation, or at least close to it (for the greater good)? Imagine if we could perceive the world as John Lennon and many others did? Through peace and spirituality. 

Did you know that in Japan broken objects are often repaired with gold? The flaw is seen as part of the objects’ story, as a very unique and special part of its story which adds to its beauty. Imagine if we could avoid wars with real conversations, coming from our hearts and not manufactured empty promises and lies? These conversations would be the gold in these broken objects, they’d add beauty to the world in order for it to achieve its uniqueness, its peace. …

I don’t know if when John Lennon left he was aware of how much trouble we’d still be in, but I hope he got to his dream world. We’re so broken right now, we’re on the verge. I’m praying, I’m asking, I’m imploring that a miracle happens, many miracles in fact. Besides the current impending spiritual World War III, we have serious issues going on, real threats to the peace being made by these so-called world “leaders”. What are you leading here really, I don’t understand? Are you all leading us to self-destruction? Literally… Can’t you just wait for this impending human extinction? Why do you want to annihilate what’s barely left of us? Okay that we are over populated, but there’s such a little left of human life. We haven’t achieved collective peace, collective spirituality yet we’re about to achieve another world war. Now that’s an excellent way of “leading” nations, congratulations!

Imagine if instead of training men and women to go war, we’d train people to teach other about peace? We’d send them on a mission of peace where people would come back home with all their body parts, well and alive. I’m not talking about spreading Christianity and other religions, that’s already being done and the results are what they are… And imagine that these other countries would achieve such a state of peace within them as well. Imagine…

I see all these bad things happening and I ask what many people ask, is it really worth it to bring any more life into this world? Is it really worth it to put our children through this or even worst? Why do we always think the next generations will solve our problems? Why do we live such a selfish live when it comes to the world problems, when it comes to OUR earth, to OUR home? Why is it that some people have a mindset of  “they can have all the wars they want as long as it doesn’t affect me nor my family”  why are people so selfish? I’ve really seen and read comments like this  “if it doesn’t affect me I don’t need to worry”  it will affect you or your family anyways, if not now, in the future, if not in the future, the next generation, directly or indirectly. The future generations will either ask what we did to the world or they won’t even have a chance to. I do not want to be negative, I have hope, I do. I want my child to grow in a better world and I still have faith in humanity, I believe people are waking up just in time to recover the planet, both physically, mentally and spiritually. We have a severely damaged planet, but we also have a severely damaged mindset. 

You will see, one day, when the planet will be no longer broken, when our mindsets will be no longer self-centred, you will see on that day how much peace we achieved, both physically, mentally and spiritually.  

You will see people blooming, you will see illnesses disappear, you will see equality, you will see gender equality – no matter what gender you are – you will see and live in a healthy world, a healthy environment, a healthy home. That’s what I wish for the future generations, I don’t want them to save us, I want us to do a better work and save them from having to save themselves for our mistakes. I want to do my part. What would it be if you’d do yours too? Imagine…

Brooklyn Austen, 2017

Edited by Brooklyn Austen, 2019

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Part IV – People VS The People

“The idea is good but it won’t sell” 

– Haters

People fight against each other, over anything and for everything, and at the end of the day, is just like someone very wise once said to me People want to see you doing well but never better than them as soon as something starts going well some people just tend to be negative and envious – people tend to say it’s human nature, but how far does human nature go? As soon as everything starts going well and everybody knows your name, the people that never believed in you will want to go back into your life as soon as possible. Some people will tell you that you can’t do it, that you don’t have the money or the knowledge or the willpower, others will tell you that the idea you have is bigger than you are, that you’re getting ahead of yourself and your abilities and the worse thing is that you will believe them, because you end up allowing them to plant a seed of self doubt in you, unconsciously – this happens for most people as we’re not yet equipped to fully believe in ourselves, we’re not yet free from mental manipulation. You grew up believing in being judged and accepted, grew up feeling that you have to fit in and that’s a must, all that started with the media (“simple cartoons for kids”), then maybe your parents and family (which are big influences) – a huge MAYBE here because not all the parents/family members are the same, thankfully!!! – so eventually if you don’t have what it takes, even if your name is catchy and unique like a superstar, you will SUCK “just because”! And that’s what you believe in unfortunately. Let me tell you something that is really true, people are just afraid that you might end up in a better place some day, they are scared you will be better then them because they already see so much in you, so if one day you decide to do something new with your abilities, with your dreams, with your knowledge, do it anyway! Some people go on some quarter/middle (etc) age crisis and quit everything to start all over again, that is quite a risk, I wouldn’t be able to even image putting myself in that position as I’m not much of a risk taker but I should be more, God only know where I’d be now. As I said at the beginning I’m [just] a depressed single jobless mother. I am only now acknowledging my creative life, my creative self, my creative being, admitting what I know how to do, exploring the cooking, the baking, the decorating, the writing and so on.

On a completely different hand, do you know what I hate the most? I really do hate it when people say things like Have you forgotten where you came from? Your roots? Why do you want more than what you already have? – or – Do you see that guy? He’s so arrogant now, remember when he knocked on our door asking for sugar and rice? – as if people were born and had to live with the same mindset for the rest of their lives, as if people couldn’t evolve – intellectually, mentally and spiritually, especially if your door is still the same door they knocked on mate! I mean, what would have been of human life if the first human had remained in its place and didn’t go after anything better than what he already had? We’d all still live in the same conditions, probably living like the Flinstones, perhaps, getting warm with big bonfires or animal skins, drawing on rocks, we’d still have no different languages and dialects, we’d express ourselves in a very different and maybe limited way.

Why can’t people start watching other people evolve and celebrate them, and learn from them? After all, we are our own competition. I’ll tell you why, simply because they are so overwhelmingly jealous – it gets to a point that jealousy should be considered an illness, for real, or at least a symptom – or because they had that same idea but they weren’t able to materialise it and monetise it, or because they just hate that person, or because they are still doubting their abilities. Jealousy comes from a place of denial, of identifying oneself as a failure, self-hatred, self-loathing and pain, unmeasurable pain, and misery and you know how it loves company.

Brooklyn Austen, 2017
Edited by Brooklyn Austen 2019

Part III – Bottled Up

We can’t handle anything, we’re a tic-toc clock, a bomb ready to go off.
– Us, millennials

“I can’t wait!!! I can’t wait for the train and the bus is taking too long. I can’t wait for the movie to begin, I can’t wait for the bread to get toasted. I’m in a rush, I ain’t got time. I’ve been running my whole life without even stopping and I just didn’t see what I was missing out. I ain’t got the time, I never did. I’m too busy running up, and down without even looking around. I’m too anxious, I can’t wait… I can’t wait for this life to end so I’m going to end it now. I’be never had time, I’m not patient, I’ve never waited. You never came, and they were all gone. We don’t have time, I’m still running… Is this life? I can’t wait, I want an answer now!!!”

Please note that I wrote this a long time ago, I was probably 18 or 19 but it still applies, I’m still this impatient and I think I’m not the only one. You know when the movie is scheduled for 8.30pm and you’re super excited so you get your popcorn bucket or your nachos with that lovely cheesy sauce and you can’t wait to sip your bubbly coke or indulge those ice shavings you’re about to get? And then you get into the cinema room and you seat down on your assigned seat, then when you start eating it’s already 8.40pm and the movie hasn’t started yet and your popcorn bucket is half empty (or half full) and then it’s 8.50pm and your drink is almost finished? Well, some movies start right on time, but I’ve been to viewings that make me want to go back home and wait for the movie to be digitally available. I might as well you know? Waiting at home, patiently, and the. days go by, then all of a sudden, the movie is out and available for everyone, for free, in the comfort of my home… but okay, now I’m being overdramatic. But you see, the wait? All of my friends tell me “you already know that it’s going to take 10-20 minutes for the movie to start, right?”. I think I left my patient in my mother’s womb and I’m sure many of you can agree on this, we just can’t wait especially when something or someone is expected to start or arrive on a previously scheduled time.

I lived in London for seven years and a half, I started of as being very patient, for example whilst waiting for public transportation, everything was so frenetic, and I wasn’t used to the rush. I’d wait for the bus and if it was completely full to the point where the driver wouldn’t open the doors it was okay, I’d sit there in the bloody cold waiting for the next one – that was exactly as full as the previous one – until a few months after I started learning how to change my routes to get to the same place, so my mother and I would take 2 or 3 buses sometimes just to get to a place and be able to sit comfortably on the bus – she can’t really stand for too long, and go up and down the stairs, specially those double-deck bus stairs. Then I started using the train, the metro, the tube, the subway, whatever you call it, still my mother hated it – too many stairs, too many people. It’s C-R-A-Z-Y inside the train station, it’s beyond chaotic so over the years I just lost my patience. If I had to get a black cab to get somewhere else faster I would, or an Addison Lee and eventually an Uber, I would. And then I started noticing that the traffic was exhausting, and the amount of money wasn’t just worth it, nonetheless I didn’t give up on using Uber for short rides or buses for 15-20 minutes trips to the closest hospital where I usually had my appointments. I ended up not being patient at all, I remember felling exhausted just from looking at the huge queues outside Oxford Circus train station while for me, it was way easier to make a quick walking detour down Regent Street and jump on the Piccadilly line but it’s okay, I’d never waited on that huge queue anyways, I didn’t have the patience to do so – maybe once and it wasn’t that huge, it was okay once I managed to walk down the stairs.

Back home, my hometown, Lisbon, I can’t stand waiting for a train or a bus, the metro is kind of okay, but the others may take 15-30-60 minutes to arrive and it drives me nuts, I just can’t stand waiting for the public transportation. Some of you may ask why I don’t have a car yet, well although the day to day life in London was crazy, I uses to live pretty central and having a car would end up being much more expensive than having a monthly travel card with 30% student discount. And why don’t I have a driver’s license yet? I couldn’t be bothered to get one at eighteen and then forget how to drive because I really didn’t need or wouldn’t have a car. It’s in my plans still but then you will find me complaining about traffic and tuk-tuks in the middle of the road or ‘Kandongueiros’ – they are Hiaces that function as taxis, more Luke paid shuttles, and are completely outlaw, as well they feel above the law, nothing can stop them – in Luanda, Angola – regardless they are part of the culture and the city colours and noises. Yes, I travel there often with my family, and traffic is insane, is some mad traffic out there. Once I stayed three hours stopped on the same spot and the AC on my father’s jeep was broken, I really wanted to leave the car and walk but that would have been way worse for me, it’s a tropical country and temperatures are very high, I’d have just ended up passing out after a five minutes’ walk because my health wouldn’t allow me, too much heat always gets the best of me.

Nevertheless, I can be very impatient and I can actually physically wait without complaining much, unless it’s a bad day, but it is really my mindset at the time that determines the whole situation, such a paradox. At the same time that my mind is telling me to remain calm and be patient I’m fuming and silently shouting, and silentes desperately crying in anger. We bottle up our emotions way too much don’t we? We never know how someone is taking things during their day, we are in fact a tic tac clock, a bomb ready to go off any moment and just when the tiniest thing goes wrong, one day, at any given time, it could be a trigger for someone who’s been under that much pressure, someone that has seriously been bottling up that daily pressure without even having the chance to release it. We can be impatient because of the day we had at work, a customer did us dirty or our boss is being too much to handle, we can lose it because the coffee is not done right or the order at the restaurant is taking too long, we might have to stand in a completely fully packed train station for more than half an hour, literally all glued to each other and not even have the chance to get on the third train. There are so many scenarios and pressures, be aware of each other. Maybe smile and apologize more often!

Brooklyn Austen, 2017
Edited by Brooklyn Austen 2019

Part II – Being Pessimistic

“You’re so pessimistic all the time.”
– Someone along the way

Why do I have to be so negative all the time? Why am I so pessimist? Why do I have to see everything through sadness googles? Why can’t I just be content with the good deeds and the good things? Why can’t I accept a compliment without wondering? Why am I so anxious about every step every time? Why am I such a perfectionist to the point I almost ruin anything? Why can’t anything be done without doubt? Why can’t I just do it, like Nike says?

Whenever something good happens it gets to a point where I always have to overanalyse it, am I the only one? Sure not! And then I get extremely anxious because I’m already thinking about things out of the context. See, I recently published my first book and I know it’s okay, but then if I look at it I might say – it’s a good book, not completely horrible, you can have a nice read – but I’m saying that with doubt as if I lost all the confidence when I first admitted that the book was good. Releasing a book is a great stress and I can only imagine the stress of going through launches and press conferences, though I’m far from it, but by saying that I’m far from it am I not being pessimistic? Or am I being realistic? I could always say – publicly launching a book, well I never know but it is a possibility – I could certainly choose to believe more in myself and in the future. I could certainly believe more in myself and more in what people tell me. People tell me I have great talent, well I must – let me correct myself – I have! If I didn’t I wouldn’t even, consider releasing a book would I?
Is being pessimistic part of it? Or is it being pessimistic a result of the pressures we had throughout our whole lives? The pressures that were put on ourselves by everyone that saw us as the “children who would become the future”: the pressures about us being the future generation: the pressures about us being perfect and not being allowed to commit mistakes… Are these the pressures that make some of us being pessimistic all the time? Worse, is it because of these pressures that some of us are still stuck at the age of thirty, forty… It’s as if we still feel so pressured by the people who put pressure on us when we were kids that we are afraid of not being as picture perfect? Are we still afraid of failing? Some because they’ve tried so much and no one was ever satisfied and others because they were so stuck in perfection they never tried so they wouldn’t fail?
I’m not saying that everyone that participated in our childhood is to blame, we sure had amazing role models growing up and great influences too, also because once we start becoming, if we have the correct personality traits and the ability to take responsability we can manage to break free from whatever and whomever.
However, I’m talking about the people who were not able to break free, they deserve to be accounted for too, they are human beings too and not failures as they think so.

Brooklyn Austen, 2017
Edited by Brooklyn Austen 2019

Part I – The War With The Self

“Pressures and more pressures” – Society

When you realise that more people are finding help in each other through writing, conversations, and then you do a little research on Google on what you should write about and all these self-help writers say the same thing – write about what you know – and then you question yourself about what you actually know…

Well I know that I’m an unsuccessful single mother, who’s been struggling with both physical and mental health for years, that’s what I know. Shall I write about it? Hell yeah!

I believe I’m not the only one, I’m not the only single mother (or parent), I’m not the only one struggling with physical and mental health. I know some people say we can overcome whatever comes our way, other people say that God is always there when we need him, they say religion is the best answer, but most people still don’t believe in mental health issues. They choose to ignore it, they’ll tell us it’s something that is in our heads, that if we stop believing that we have any sort of a mental health illness it’s going to go away by itself.

Human race never had it easy to begin with. Our ancestors have always been in war, war with each other, war against nations and mainly, war with themselves, against themselves. Our ancestors have killed and died, they’ve mass murdered people with all kind of weapons, no shame and no regret and that is the real human legacy that was left with us.

What kind of people are we? What kind of race? Are we killers or are we humans?

See, right now there’s this concept of millennial, I am a millennial. We have it all, we have it easier, we are spoiled brats and we can’t stand the word no, we can’t stand failure, we complain too much, blah blah blah! But what our parents, our grandparents and even other fellow millennials don’t acknowledge is that we are at war with THE SELF. The real World War III is happening right here, right now before our eyes and we are neglecting it because we can’t hear the bombs, see the destruction and I’m not talking about the Middle East, in fact, such kind of war would only be important to humanity if it was happening in Europe or America. However, I’m here acknowledging another type of war, a war that when is done and dusted will set us free from all the wars, within ourselves and within the collective humanity. We millennials are really struggling inside, even the ones who are doing everything ‘right’. When I say everything right I mean, according to the society rules. We are born and automatically pressures are put on us, babies have mile stones, they must start laughing by the age of three months, sit alone by nine months and so on but along the way someone forgot that babies are human beings too. They will eventually achieve their mile stones, some first than others but it’s okay. I also understand that failure to notice your babies mile stones can put their life in danger, however I’m not talking about neglecting them, I’m talking about the pressure that these little beings already have without having any weight to carry on their shoulders. Then children, those amazing human beings that are meant to be the future. See? Exactly, there – those amazing human beings that are meant to be the future – that is true, but it’s also pressure. Children are allowed to be whatever they want to be, they don’t have to carry the responsibility that they are the ones who will save our world in the future. Why are we adults leaving those responsibilities to them when we still can make changes in the world? We can still help! Children are meant to be free, have their own ideas and time to grow but they are constantly pressured, by society, directly or indirectly. Parents worry about their grades in school, because good grades will pave the way, sometimes parents worry so much that they neglect to see how pressured and short-circuited their children feel already. Adults tell these kids things like “you got to be a doctor and cure cancer” or “you got to be really good at maths otherwise you’ll fail to succeed in everything you try”. Attention, parents are not the only ones putting pressure, family too, friends too, teachers too. Teachers are there to educate our children intellectually, and I’m very grateful for every teacher I’ve ever had, the good ones and the bad ones. Nonetheless some teachers can be really bullies, they can pressure their students beyond boundaries without looking at the consequences because they will never be held accountable, in most cases. These children are so young and so drained already, carrying all this unnecessary weight on their shoulders.

I completely agree in educating our children intellectually (and emotionally) to create a better future, giving them the tools and allow them to understand the impacts of our actions on this earth, but give them time and space to learn.

Puberty won’t be any easier, a wholesome of hormones coming their way, their bodies changing, their minds start questioning and look, these question go far beyond the usual “why do we need money?” or “why is the earth round” type of questions, these questions have to do with feelings, emotions, singularity, sexual orientation, existence, with things far more advanced. Some kids are genius from a very young age, and maybe they have already met their true self, but usually that persona appears during and/or after puberty. These adolescents start wondering who they are, what they are, why they are here (on this earth) for, and so on. They are not only focused in school, in their grades, in order to achieve their dreams (all according to society rules) but they have to take that in consideration every step of the way.

You are born, you get yourself educated with very good grades otherwise you won’t be no one in this world (I have heard that so many times). By the time you’ve finished university, if you haven’t met someone you should be about to, and then have a good job so you can create a family. You get that big promotion, you decide to get married, you start having kids and well, you live happily ever after. Or you though so… What about the people who didn’t go by the book? The people who have burnt pages or the whole society rules’ book burnt? I’m not saying these people who followed the rules don’t have issues, concerns and problems, matter of fact, there’s one single truth, along the way they will eventually find many many burnt pages, it’s not all that pretty.

But, and what about these people? These young adults? The ones living in a limbo of failures? Where’s the book for them? The book that says, it is okay if you haven’t finished university yet, it is okay if you haven’t got the job you want yet, it is okay to be a single parent, it is okay to have a mental health problem, it is okay, it is okay, IT IS OKAY!

This pressure that comes from birth, that even before we leave the womb there’s already something we’re meant to be, this pressure printed in everyday news, stamped in every judgemental eye, this pressure is killing us.

Did you know high school students have actually the same stress people had in a psych ward in the 50s? Do you really thing that every adolescent that comes home from school and locks himself inside his room is just throwing a fit? Or that when a child randomly cries is just a tantrum?

Do you know that not bathing is a comum behaviour amongst people with depression? Or not eating, or overeating and so many more symptoms? Do you really think that when your girlfriend, wife, boyfriend, husband, whoever, stops leaving the house, stops going out, starts calling in sick more often than normally, stops tiding up… Do you really think they are doing it because they want to? Do you know how much it costs, how much it hurts for someone who’s not happy without even knowing why, to put on a smile everyday and sit behind a customer services desk whilst everything they really want to do is vanish. But can you see it? No, you can only judge it.

All because we millennials have it all, we have it better.

I know how parents, grandparents had it bad as well. I’ve heard horrifying stories of war and torture, I’ve heard stories about my father when he was at war, stories about people who collected ears from the dead enemies and wore them as trophy necklaces. Imagine living with those images, with those memories? Imaging watching your friends die right before your eyes, everyday. I can’t say I understand, but I acknowledge it and I respect it. It must have been, actually, those are still painful memories, but I respect that pain. We millennials might have not gone through half of it, but we are in pain and the people closest to us don’t even acknowledge it, they don’t hear our pain even when we tell them, they don’t see nor feel the pain behind our tears or our silence, they don’t respect the suffering. “And everything shall pass”, they say. “You’re still very young, you’ve got all your life ahead”, they say.

I wonder, how many more people have to kill themselves? How many more people have to stay strong when they actually need help? How many more kids have to be motherless or fatherless because one (in worst case scenario, both) of their parents committed suicide? How many more Chester Benningtons, Britanny Murphys, Robin Williams, Kurt Cobains, Alexander McQueens, Kate Spades have to die for people to understand that even having it all means nothing at all? How many more great minds have to be locked up in mental health facilities because they have been neglected by their own parents, their own family as a whole. I won’t even mention friends, friends come and go, friends are mere people that when they no longer need you will just go away, either because they think you’re too sad or too lame, you no longer serve them because you don’t make them happy. How many single mothers will have to give up their lives and their dreams because society cuts them off? Constantly telling that they only got pregnant because they wanted the man to stay with them; or because they only wanted that big fat monthly check; or that they don’t mean nothing because even their children’s father couldn’t stand them; or that she had to accept everything he put her through. I know there are single fathers too, I highly respect them, to be a single parent ain’t easy, their frustrations are not easy at all. But seriously, how many single parents have to be put down because they are no longer of use, because they are parents out of the wedlock, they are sinners, they are a shame for the family. People might not even say it, but we know. Single parent or not, we know when people who are following the book are judging us. Do you think that helps? Do you think that will give us the courage and make you better people? It sure is a fuel for many, many believe that success is the best revenge, they act strong and powerful, but they are broken too.

It’s the constant struggle with the self, no matter how many positives we achieve we will always be, secretly, judging ourselves inside, and torturing ourselves because we could have done so much more, we should have known better. It will never be perfect, and we tend to be perfectionists, some more than others.

All these are truths, all these are constants.

Do you really believe that behind closed doors everything is truly perfect just because a few Instagram and Facebook posts say so? I will tell you one thing, it’s all lies, it’s all lies people tell themselves so they can believe that they reality is absolutely amazing. I am not hating on nobody’s happiness, manufactured or not, I’m just telling you that everything isn’t perfect and everything won’t be. Someone might have gotten a promotion at work and posted it on social media, someone might have faked it and doesn’t even have a job for that matter, but won’t that post, truth or lie, won’t let you feel a bit sad for yourself? I know you’re not hating on anyone, matter of fact, you are actually happy but then it kicks in and you start wondering what are you doing with your life, why aren’t you on that level yet… If you’re telling yourself right now that you don’t feel not even a tiny bit like this, you are lying! And the worst is that you’re lying to yourself. The human being is jealous, envious, it’s on his DNA and the human being loves self-loathing, whenever they can. If someone posts their holidays, you’re going to start wondering how do they travel that much, where does the money come from, why don’t I travel that much? You know that on those pictures people are actually looking all glamorous and happy, but do you know that some people spend their whole holidays crying and self-loathing? Even with the opportunity of getting to know those new nice places, opportunity for some because for others is actually a getaway for their emotions, but everything seems so perfect, so painless, so problem-free.

How many people dare to post their reality? They can’t get enough of reposting other people’s suffering, but how many selfies of someone crying do you see? And even when you see, you still won’t be happy that they are showing their reality, live and raw. You won’t be happy will you? You’ll be judgy, you’ll say it’s just an act, they’re just seeking attention or that it’s just for the likes. I wonder what is it that you would like to see on social media? What will not make you feel more, or less? What will make you feel equal, whole? And if you ever feel that way, will you really want to be whole?

Do you see that perfect couple on Facebook, with the perfect wedding and perfect life? It can be true, not 100% true but still somehow true. But do you know how many women sit at home alone whilst their men is with other women? Do you know how many women suffer from domestic violence? Do you have any idea of how many women are constantly raped by their husbands or boyfriends because they feel entitled? They feel like they are a possession of theirs. I know it happens to men too although we don’t know on what scale, we don’t have much insight unfortunately.

But let’s take a look at the society book, who looks always well? Who can do everything? Who has the power? Men!

My dear, don’t blame yourself if your marriage or relationship has failed, if you’re a single parent or not, it happened the way it had to happen. Would you rather have one of those social media manufactured relationships? Don’t feel sad because others look so happy. Oh, I know how easy it is to say this, I even know how easy is to ignore it straight away. I have failed, according to the society book a woman would have to accept everything and simply remain quiet, therefore I have failed and I’ll feel like a failure forever.

And I wondered for days, whilst I cried my soul out, if it was because of my depression or my tiny big bit of obsession compulsive disorder. I wondered if I was really crazy, but I always told myself that I wasn’t crazy, my buttons were pushed so hard I’d snap, but wouldn’t anyone really? Does that make me crazy? Does that make anyone crazy? Does having depression, bipolar disorder, OCD, and so on make anyone crazy? What is it to be crazy? Is a schizophrenic crazy? Is a psychopath crazy? What is to be “crazy”?

Well, one thing I know for sure, it is crazy to believe that someone else’s life is better just because they only show us the best of it but it still makes us feel like a failure doesn’t it?

It’s the constant struggle with the self, no matter how many positives we achieve we will always be, secretly, judging ourselves inside, and torturing ourselves because we could have done so much more, we should have known better. It will never be perfect, and we tend to be perfectionists, some more than others.
All these are truths, all these are constants.

Brooklyn Austen, 2017
Edited by Brooklyn Austen, 2019

Trauma

Trauma doesn’t just come from a previous relationship, break-up, trauma is not just a single situation, trauma is a build up of unacknowledged feelings. You can be a child with a trauma and not even be aware of it, trauma has been passed on from your ancestors, your trauma right now is the build up of your ancestors unacknoladge trauma. 

Trauma might come straight from your parents who didn’t have the chance to deal with their childhood issues and so on. The addictions, the smoking cigarets or having a little too much to drink are also traumas, like genetic traumas. A hereditary condition or illness is also a trauma, a trauma embedded in your ancestors’ DNA that might have decided to pass on just to you. We need to understand that we are a by product from our ancestors, no matter what we think. You can’t tell me your children biggest trauma will be the fact that you and your partner don’t have a good relationship or that there’s a lot on unloaded pain and unresolved issues. There are so many traumas you’re choosing not to acknowledge. I mean, who are you? What are you made of? Who were you before you got hurt (by anyone, by anything)? Where do you come from? And so on… You need to do the work for yourself, on yourself, an introspection. Your children will never be okay if you’re not okay. We are a generation, a byproduct of trauma and we are starting to understand more and more our own feelings and bodies, we are becoming more evolved. Let’s take this opportunity to raise our children free from as much trauma as possible, but it all starts with you, only you. You need to deal with your own feelings first, and you need to know when to feel them around your children (which should be never). But look inside, because the most traumatic thing you might be passing onto your child might be coming from you and not from a bad or good relationship with your children’s father.    

Do you drink? Do you smoke? Do you do drugs? Do you take responsibility? Are you as good as a role model as you can be? Are you healing or on the path to the light? Are you doing the work? We all have traumas, so many different traumas, for so many different reasons, so before judging others for their problems you should really be more introspective. 

Brooklyn Austen, 2019

Becoming

I am not ashamed of being intense. I am not ashamed of being too much. I am not ashamed of being myTRUEself. And that’s the beauty of pain, becoming.

Brooklyn Austen, 2019

Intense

Am I intense? Sure I am, I am so intense sometimes I can’t even look at myself, sometimes I don’t even have patience for myself, I am so intense that sometimes people give up on me… In reality, that’s not why they give up on me, in fact they don’t give up on me, they are just removed from my life because it is a must, because they’re not part of my journey, because I actually don’t need them. But I am very intense indeed, I am an empath, there’s no doubt about it, I feel everything and maybe sometimes I feel way too much, it can be both a curse and a blessing, but that is me.

Sometimes I get sad because someone is no longer in my life, but when I do realise, it is a relief. Why would I want someone who is not on the same wavelength as me in my life? I’m not talking about a specific relationship, I’m talking about all the relationships in life. Some might say it is very hard to live with me, but have you looked inside yourself? Can you see the way you carry yourself? We can sometimes be opposites, I care about everything and you don’t care at all and this is when one realises that opposites don’t actually attract each other, we’re not magnets and even magnets repulse each other, anomalies happen.

But why? Why do we worry so much about the people who are no longer there? That is just self inflicted pain, and there’s no reason for such pain. Do you know what I’ve realised? There are people who see through me, and they know me, and despite my semblance that day or during that period, they say – “Oh my God, I just love your energy” – and I wonder why do I need a reminder from a complete stranger or someone who barely knows me to remind myself that I indeed have a good energy, that I have an energy at all. Sometimes we forget our own energy because we’re begging for love at every corner, we’re begging for love from someone that refuses to love us anymore, even thought they are being nice to us. Begging for love is draining, I have to remember myself that some people are no longer my burden.

I am so intense, and I love people truly, and there are people that love me truly too and I know that for sure. I don’t need to beg for their love, I don’t need to beg them to stay, I just need to keep watering them like they water me too. I am loved, I am loved and I am loved. And the rest, is just the rest.

Brooklyn Austen, 2019

I remember wanting to die and I remember not wanting to die… I remember when I tried to kill myself for the last time, I remember the panic I felt when they brought me back to life but still under the effect of the pills I took… I remember feeling this awful reality of being in a human prison. I opened up my eyes, I remember having many doctors and nurses surrounding me, I remember some questions and I remember myself trying to answer them, I was all there but I wasn’t. The words and sentences I was saying, or at least trying to say, we’re stuck inside my brain as my tongue wasn’t allowing me to pronounce the words, I was simply mumbling, my speech was slurred…

Imagine being stuck inside yourself, watching everything and everyone but not being able to communicate? Watching everyone touching your body, being asked if I was pregnant and being told I was haemorrhaging, but it was just my heavy period. Imagine having nurses laughing at your state because they thought you were just a junkie who overdosed because you have scars all over your arms from having blood drawn and constant IVs for treatments. Imagine hearing someone say that my mother was in the ER because of me but not explaining what had happened to her. Imagine hearing the doctors say they’ll do and incision on your jugular because they can’t find veins, but you still panic regardless of how many times you had that procedure done… I remember a scalpel near my neck and I remember panicking like never before, to the point I had to be restrained. I was screaming inside myself… and then, I remember not remembering a thing. 

I woke up days later, and I spoke to some doctors, I remember them coming to my bed and I remember talking to them but I don’t remember what was said, I remember speaking both English and Portuguese, I remember leaving the observation room post my coma, but I really don’t remember being there nor here, in the present world. I don’t remember not being present at all, I have no recollection of how many days I lost and that is scary. 

I remember the other day when I got the flu, I had some over the counter flu medication. I didn’t take more than I should, but I remember waking up breathless and numb, my body was so numb. I knew then, I could have died, unintentionally… it wasn’t the first time, it wasn’t the first time I felt that way. I remember from other suicide attempts, I remember being drowsy and breathless and numb, I remember not falling into a profound sleep so I could feel when my lungs were starting to malfunction… I also remember that on that day I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to get rid of the flu and now this haunts me. I don’t understand how I almost died because I wanted, because I was so ready but when I didn’t want to, I was so scared… 

BrooklynAusten2019©️

Misunderstood

If you’re in love with someone, you can’t fake it…

You can hide it, you can lie to yourself as much as you want, you can try and find that love in somebody else, you can get married, you can have kids but even the other part will know that you’re not fully committed. 

If you’re in love with someone, you’ll be in love with that person forever…

You’re not going to fall out of love, not for a single day, in fact, you’re going to love that person even more because you can’t have her by your side every day. 

If you’re in love with someone, you’re going to crave that person…

It’s going to be such a strong craving that even without her being present you’re going to be cheating. 

If you’re in love with someone, give them time to grow… Don’t let them go! It is kind of a lie when you say that if you love someone you must set them free, it is kind of a lie because they will be free to do whatever they want, they will even be free to come back to you, but will you be free?

Brooklyn Austen 2019©️