Midnight Conversations

I can’t fall asleep so I’ll take a walk to my safe heave that burns like hell, through my imagination that speaks the unspeakable, my biggest wishes that have no sound, let’s take a long walk through us without us even existing. 

I could wait for you to be ready or maybe you’re waiting for me to be ready but all this waiting we’re wasting years, not time, but experiences and sensations. I wish I could kiss you every morning when I wake up but at the same time I think I’d have enough of you by the night. There’s this uncertainty where I can’t really confront my feelings for you. 

Somedays I wish we were forever, other days I don’t even want you no more, reason being, we’re in some sort of limbo. We can go months without seeing or talking to each other but just one day, one night, a few hours lead me to endless “what if’s” about us. I daydream about us raising our kids together even though mine isn’t yours and yours isn’t mine but then again I think of how complicated and how impossible that sounds. I dream about spending weekends with you at the farm and waking up to the sound of the birds and the roosters, the smell of nature and love making, although I’m pretty sure that would be just “lust making”. 

You say you have a weird way of showing me how much you miss me and I really can decipher it… One day you’re completely crazy about being with me and then we go on months without a thing such as an “I miss you”… it’s all so confusing.

You’re my safe haven that burns like hell. 

BrooklynAusten2018©️

Advertisements

I Am

I no longer feel cold when I hear his voice, I might tremble a little tiny bit but I can’t almost feel it. I’m not afraid anymore, he can’t touch me anymore, he can’t terrorise me anymore, he can no longer give me the silent treatment or drive me insane for his own amusement. I’m stronger now and believe, I’ve been weaker, I’ve hit rock bottom because of him – it isn’t entirely his fault – it was my fault I loved him so much, I loved him with no boundaries and I believed in him with a certain tone of doubt, my heart could never settle but I was blindly in love with him. Did I say I was stronger now? I am.

I feel like he can’t take me away from myself anymore, I feel grounded, I’m more in touch with myself, I’m walking a path to reach a destination called this is who I am.

I’m Okay

Sometimes you’ve literally wrote all the pain away, all the anger away and it’s good, it means you can move on, move on to the next one, to better things, to better feelings, to feeling better.

– heartbeat

BrooklynAusten2018©️

The Consolation Prize

What did your first heartbreak teach you? And what did you gain from it? Experience or a consolation prize? I think experience is far more important, no matter how much time you spend mourning it, eventually things will be okay and you’ll be stronger, all by yourself. That’s indeed very admirable!

BrooklynAusten2018©️

Dear Human Don’t Reduce Other Mothers Just Because You’re Mother’s Struggle Was Bigger: You Can’t Measure Struggles

You know when they told me that I should befriend people who were parents now? Specially mothers, since I’m one of them. I didn’t want to believe, I thought I was okay with the friends I have and I thought it was okay being the first one becoming a mother even knowing that it may take a couple of years or more for my friends to have children. Do you know what my reaction was when I was told to befriend more mothers? I said no! But you know what? Now I understand, you know why? Because people will judge you if you’re not a mother, people will judge you if you’re a mother, people will judge you anyway. People always think they have the best mother in the world and that the other mothers should not be complaining or even struggling. Yes I still have my parent’s help with my baby, should I be embarrassed by it? Shouldn’t I have the right and need to complain about my struggles? Should I get new friends who are mothers, regardless of their social status so we could share our struggles? Totally yes!!!!

I think, I mean, I actually know people are being just cruel when they throw in your face that their mothers this and that, that they’ve gone through this and that, working full time, doing whatever full time. Like Cardi B says, OKUUURRR (OKAY), but what people don’t realise when you’re going through something is that that is your moment, it is your struggle and it’s present tense, no matter how privileged you are. Mothers who seem to have it all together, and who are not even single mothers can have their whole world falling apart right before and after birth, they can have all the money in the world and no help from their families at all, not financially, not emotionally, but their world will still fall apart, they will still struggle. I might not have the right friends right now (next to me because different time zones are a hell of a pain in the arse), I might not have a lot of friends who are mothers, but there are amazing online communities where mothers share their stories and help each other, understand each other, emperor each other not only as mothers but also as women. In the back of my mind I’m asking myself why am I giving so much importance to this ONE person who tried to put me down? Who tried to make me feel less of a mother because his mother struggled more than I am right now… I’m not trying to give him/her any importance really, I am however trying to raise awareness for the fact that you cannot, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED to reduce a woman just because she has different struggles from the ones your mother had, YOU CANNOT MEASURE STRUGGLE! I’m also here thinking if I should forgive this person or not, although that is irrelevant, I AM NOW A MOTHER, I’m not this other person anymore and when I realised someone tried to reduce me with the arguments of an innocent child, whom doesn’t know the meaning of the words that were said or its impact, I think two things:

  • I should get more friends who understand my struggle, my struggle not only as a mother but also as a woman. Someone who thinks outside the box and someone who sees the world outside the box they live in.
  • Should I keep such negativity and envy around? Just because my parent’s still help me with my baby just like they did with my brother and sister when they were struggles? Without mentioning that they are much much older than me.

Would you forgive someone who tried to reduce you as a mother, as a woman, as a human being?

BrooklynAusten2018