This Place

I run on pain, I kind of run on hate too as if those were my fuels. No blood, no heart, no brain, it doesn’t matter, I’m consumed… 

I hate everything, I hate everyone, I hate you and this is a lonely place. I feel as if I can’t love because the way love was taught to me included pain and hate, so even if I love you this will still be a lonely place. 

How can the good overcome the bad? Who said that? How can we measure the amount of good and the amount of bad? How can it be fair? 

You hurt me so much that there’s no blood running through my veins, only pain. I wonder how would this place be if only you’d disappeared, only if you were gone forever? I ask myself what would I feel if you’d vanish? And the answer is nothing, and I wonder if I’m an horrible person but I feel that this place would be much better with you just gone. I’ve imagined the other way around, me being gone, it wouldn’t make any difference to you but I’ve been imagining it ever since I can remember and I even tried, I haven’t succeeded, yet…

There are times when I feel no pain at all but when it comes back it feels much more stronger than before, it got to a point that every time this feeling comes back the more I realise it’s not letting me move one. Everyone and everything keeps me remembering of you, for them it’s normal, it’s okay, it’s not their pain so they speak their minds on something that won’t take their sleep away.  

If only I could translate what is really going on on my mind right now… I feel like an horrible person for feeling so much hate, for allowing hate and pain to be the fuel to my soul [in this moment]. I’m not allowing myself to be myself and as the time goes by I don’t know who I am anymore and the thought of reinventing myself feels like learning how to walk again, feels like learning how to talk again, feels like learning how to love again, like starting all over again but without a blank slate. Healing is painful…




Thinking about forgiving someone? And with that forgiveness, are you thinking about allowing that person entirely back into your life? You know it will be a mistake but you still want to do it? Think again, and again, think until you stop thinking about it if you need to. Forgive them anyways but make sure you’re actually forgiving and letting it go.

Allowing old people back into your life, old habits, old reasons, is seriously dangerous. It can disrupt your inner peace and well being. See, an ex on and off partner, why would you allow them back? Why would you put love above all? Sometimes love doesn’t mean well being because we’re not doing it right. There’s no right way to love, there’s no book rule on love however there are certainly wrong ways of doing it and they can hurt.

If you’re going to allow someone who’ve you ended up in bad terms with back into your life think about the consequences, think about how it can end badly again or not even work. Think about how you’re going to slow down your soul searching and healing process. Is it really worth it? No matter how much you miss them, is your own well being really worth it? Specially when you know you’ve changed and they have not?

One day I was asked “how do you let yourself associate with people like that” and that hit me. Maybe I’m too good, maybe I see the good in people. Maybe I trust easily, maybe I love easily, maybe I connect easily even if there’s no connection, maybe I’m so desperately looking for such connection that I automatically connect to the nearest without even researching it or being reassured…

When you allow someone back into your life and you start noticing old patterns resurfacing, you start doubting your decision, you start wondering. You actually call yourself dumb and stupid, you’re at a crossroads and you don’t know if you should run right back to where you came from, if you should just say that it isn’t working for you anymore or, what is easier nowadays, ghost the person.

Let it be a lesson that forgiveness is a state of mind you reach by forgiving someone so they are no longer your burden, you forgive someone so that your heart feels at easy and you soul can move one. You don’t forgive someone to have them back into your life, to keep having to do the forgiveness thing over and over, you don’t forgive someone to continue watching their systematic behaviour.

Let it be a lesson that when you forgive someone you’re finally going to find yourself at peace with yourself, ponder.


I Ended It

Have the courage to do so!

The last man I was with was the last man I should have been with. The last man I was with was a slightly older man that I met when I was in my early twenties and he was almost in his thirties, see? That old! The last man I was with was truly yet a boy at heart, and mind, and soul but he was defineyly hurt, and selfish.

He was the every girl in her early twenties’ dream, he was charming, beautiful and knew how to talk, how to old an interesting conversation. Little did I know I’m not that girl anymore, I evolved spiritually and he didn’t. I mean, even sex is a spiritual experience and if we’re not really into each other, if we’re not spiritually in sync it is not worth it, so I ended it without even saying such as a goodbye, I just ghosted him. And did the adult thing to do, deleted all his social media, no temptation shall be allowed. I know in myself I did the right thing.

I remember the last time, we were in his home office and there was a cognac chalice, an ashtray with cigarettes and a joint. We were on the chair, I was on the top of him and in the midst of it all I opened my eyes and catches a glimpse of it all, I even payed attention to the music that was playing in the background, something about pussy and drugs and power. It was an instantaneous turn off, at that moment I didn’t want to be there, for a split second I wanted to leave, I wanted it all to stop, I realised I didn’t want to be with that man anymore, I realised I didn’t want to be associated with him anymore. He is a good person, but he isn’t a good man to women.

When he took me to the station so I could go home I told him “I’ll see you next time” but as those words came out of my mouth I felt in my heart that I wouldn’t, that I didn’t want to, that it was the end for me.

The magic faded, I’m not that young and innocent anymore, I look for deeper meanings now. I still remember when he asked me if it felt the same and I lied, I had to lie like when a woman fakes an orgasm. I sure wanted to tell the truth but I didn’t want to have to explain it, and I didn’t have to, I had no obligation to do so but I thought I was still the girl he met so only when I lied I realised that the magic was long long gone. I’ve been waiting for the signs, in fact they were there but I think my judgement was pretty clouded… all these years! This was a summer fling that lasted too long, too many summers, it even got me wandering if it was love because I was scared it was, at least from his side. He was too touchy-touchy, too clingy, always telling me how much he was missing me and how much he respected me… Actually, too many men have told me how much they respect me but their action don’t go with their words, it’s strange and sometimes infuriation. What’s their definition of respect?


Married, Together, Single, Separated Or Divorced?

I’m going to start by apologising. 

I’m sorry!

Now, I shall continue…

What is a father? Who is the father? 

What is a mother? Who is the mother?

Be aware that I can only speak as a daughter, as a mother and as a human being who’s heard her friends’ stories. I can only speak from the experiences that I’ve lived or that’ve been shared with me. 

For some, a father is the person who raises them and for others the father is who shares the same DNA as them but what is really a father?

Growing up, probably my best friend is the only person who I am friends with and grew up with both parents, the large majority of my friends was either raised by single parents or both of them, divorced or separated. I grew up with them acknowledging how luck I was my parents were still together and I really used to think I was so. Now, after growing up, after living a little bit, after having experienced things, becoming a single mother and etc I realised that sometimes children and indeed better off if their parents aren’t together anymore. It might be a difficult process but at the end of the day it might be more healthy rewarding for all the parts involved. I think I wasn’t so lucky after all, specially after my mother started confiding in me and I started putting all the pieces together. I truly believed we had been better off if she had had the courage to end her marriage, but times were different although we don’t use that excuse anymore, their mentalities are still as old as they are. Not everyone evolves with the times – understandable.  

I think nowadays family dynamics are changing massively, men are becoming more participative in their children upbringing, if single they are putting a great effort into it and single mothers are becoming business women, owners of their own lives, independent without judgement, it’s amazing. It’s wonderful how we are being give all the right tools to be able to raise children without both parents being a must in order for the child to be an mentally healthy adult. 

I believe that if one of the parents doesn’t want to be present in the child’s life, they should really think about the effects and consequences of that decision but also understand that they can’t just come and go as they wish. I believe that both parents must take responsibility, not involve their children in their feuds and invest in good co-parenting and above all, emotional education. The child’s emotional being is very important and both parents have to use all the resources necessary, by any means, to help the child understand (if needed) why their parents are not together anymore or never where. I’ve seen children being so receptive to the fact that their parents aren’t or never were together that makes me believe in the power of emotional education so much. It takes a village to raise a child, and also the village must be aware of the children’s emotional education because even the slightest ill commentary might affect the children in unforeseeable ways.   


A Little Bit Of Pain

For a briefly moment in my life I was “the” family girl, never really was the family princess thought, that spot was left for someone else, for someone who’d rather fight for an inheritance or financial benefits rather than being actually just family. You know what they say, more money more problems. I was never “the” favourite, I never had everything, growing up with both parents doesn’t really means what everyone hopes for. Life can be a facade and for me, growing up was definitely a facade. It is amazing how my uncles had to always be kissing somebody’s arse all the time, the social climbing was uncanny so was and is the lack of self respect. I grew up the worst values I could, I grew up thinking I had to fit in to be accepted, thinking I had to be a sweet heart and kiss arse, but it was never really me and I could never fight against myself (or for myself, for that matter).

The hate is real, I remember how much of an annoying child I was to my mother and how I would never let her be. Whenever she was on the phone, I was on the other phone or right next to her hear just to eavesdrop on the conversations, the phone was always ringing in the house, it was amazing. My mother was like mother Theresa, as the older sister she had to take care of them all from a very young age, and even as adults they’d still need her even if it was just to bitch about each other, regardless, she always had everyone’s back. I remember having her sister coming over, covered in blood after being in a fight with one of her man, I remember her sister-in-law always calling to complain about how the richest brother was this and that, I remember being requested, together with my cousin, at one of my late grandmother’s birthday – we were called to the balcony where another one of my mother’s sister was crying on the floor completely drunk, making a scene, and we the children were the only ones who could go to her rescue, how absurd! I remember so many things and I see now how families can break each other by things they don’t even notice. From the moment money came in, things changed, my aunties mainly still reminisce about how things were different and better before the money. I still remember my house full of family, all the time until late hours, I still remember the brother in the black leather jacket coming in for a very rare and special visit, and I still remember the best uncle coming to spend weeks with us whenever he visited the country. It used to be nice to have a family, I think, it’s fading… More money, more problems.

You know, at a certain point you just walk away, or you just grow apart or you just become the ugly ducky from the family. It depends on the perspective of whoever, but we just grew tired of it, all the soap opera drama. All the stories about my cousins turning on my aunt, one of them breaking her arm and the other punching her husband, or how my rich uncle is always on and off with my money sucking aunties but always complains about them to everyone. All the stories about fathers not being present at their kids weddings because this father particularly considers himself a very important person, so that he had the power of actually making one of his eldest sons sign a contract promising he’d abandon his home country just so he wouldn’t financially embarrass his father anymore…. See, the depth of the drama here? Still, everyone is kissing everyone’s arse and whilst some people just want the money and get out, other don’t even want the money, just want the family to be whole again, some people definitely just want in because all that shines and glitters seem nice. Actually, sometimes people are just not nice to their own family which makes me wonder, what happened to the concept of family really? What is family?

I could go on and on with this rant, I could even mention how my uncle literally let his mother to die with all that money and how funerals are always paid but in life there’s always hate, but all this should be a book shouldn’t it? Although, I shall not dwell in such shallow waters, all I’ll find is pain for no one knows forgiveness so I just forgive myself.


The “Job”

I’m all for positivity and believing in the best, I’m also very realistic, how can that be? How can that actually work? It hasn’t been easy, I might be winning the fights but I haven’t won the war and sometimes it definitely feels like giving up. And when I say giving up isn’t just about throwing all the papers on the floor and quitting the job, or quitting your life and disappear from the face of the planet, when I talk about giving up is actually about giving up on life.

Right now, everything feels hopeful and everything feels hopeless. These paradoxical mixed feeling are like having a cord around your neck and not being sure if you want to make the jump or not. This is where the thought of suicide gets complicated, and the thinking of it turns the act impossible until one day…

The question is, why can’t I give up? And be aware, the answer will never be about me, even if I wasn’t a mother, I would never be the sole reason not to give up. Even if I wasn’t a mother I would have to think about what I was doing to my family, about what I was doing to my friends, about what I was doing to the people I was leaving behind. Because now I am a mother I have to think about what I am doing to my daughter. I know, above everyone else, little children have amazing extra sensorial abilities, I know she knows what I am feeling besides the fact that she probably doesn’t really understands it, but she can feel it if I’m feeling it when she’s around. I’ve mastering the power of not showing her my frustrations or less good feelings, after all we are humans. I’m letting my own feelings to myself so much I’m smothering myself, I’m suffocating literally. I’m not allowing myself to feel anything that is bad, I haven’t cried in months and I was actually questioning myself if I was losing my empathy. Today I shed a couple of tears, but I couldn’t actually cry. When I want to cry, I stare blankly at whatever is in front of me and I try not to feel anything at all. I’m a cry baby, I cry at movies, I cry at comedies, I cry out of anger, out of frustration, out of anything that is too strong. I confess that I can’t cry when somebody dies, my emotions totally shut down, it’s one of the most common coping mechanisms yet make us look like psychopaths.

The truth is, I activated so many coping mechanisms simultaneously that I can’t cope anymore. Ultimately I’ve even decided to put myself out there again, and no, not looking for a partner. I’ve put myself out there in the sense that I’m leaving the house more, I’m engaging in social activities, I’m not declining invitations, I’m not being a total vampire. But this coping mechanism is starting to fail too, I’m at the edge, where I feel too happy at one point and right the next second I can go into full depressive mood, I’m holding on tight but I feel that I’m about to shut down completely, again!

I have a very hard time at finishing things, I always feel like start doing something else. For example, if I’m cleaning the house I might start in the kitchen, do the dishes but then I’ll start cleaning the bathroom, do the tub and then move on to the living room and do something else… If I start a book, I feel like starting to read another one or a series, and so on. I eventually finish things, but there are things in life that have no ending, for example, my diabetes. See, I suffer from type I diabetes and I have to manage it every single day, in between finger pricks, injections, counting carbs, writing down blood sugar levels, going to appointments, drawing bloods, pee in cups and so on, this is a never ending job that I never feel like ending. Some days I wake up and I don’t feel like working at this job, the only thing I’m getting out of it is staying alive but then there’s depression and you know what? I don’t really want to stay alive, but I have to, not for me though but lately I really don’t feel like working at that job of mine anymore. I’m not really afraid of leaving, I’m just afraid of leaving my daughter so I have to do the job and keep working on it as far as I can go…


Midnight Conversations

I can’t fall asleep so I’ll take a walk to my safe heave that burns like hell, through my imagination that speaks the unspeakable, my biggest wishes that have no sound, let’s take a long walk through us without us even existing. 

I could wait for you to be ready or maybe you’re waiting for me to be ready but all this waiting we’re wasting years, not time, but experiences and sensations. I wish I could kiss you every morning when I wake up but at the same time I think I’d have enough of you by the night. There’s this uncertainty where I can’t really confront my feelings for you. 

Somedays I wish we were forever, other days I don’t even want you no more, reason being, we’re in some sort of limbo. We can go months without seeing or talking to each other but just one day, one night, a few hours lead me to endless “what if’s” about us. I daydream about us raising our kids together even though mine isn’t yours and yours isn’t mine but then again I think of how complicated and how impossible that sounds. I dream about spending weekends with you at the farm and waking up to the sound of the birds and the roosters, the smell of nature and love making, although I’m pretty sure that would be just “lust making”. 

You say you have a weird way of showing me how much you miss me and I really can decipher it… One day you’re completely crazy about being with me and then we go on months without a thing such as an “I miss you”… it’s all so confusing.

You’re my safe haven that burns like hell. 


I Am

I no longer feel cold when I hear his voice, I might tremble a little tiny bit but I can’t almost feel it. I’m not afraid anymore, he can’t touch me anymore, he can’t terrorise me anymore, he can no longer give me the silent treatment or drive me insane for his own amusement. I’m stronger now and believe, I’ve been weaker, I’ve hit rock bottom because of him – it isn’t entirely his fault – it was my fault I loved him so much, I loved him with no boundaries and I believed in him with a certain tone of doubt, my heart could never settle but I was blindly in love with him. Did I say I was stronger now? I am.

I feel like he can’t take me away from myself anymore, I feel grounded, I’m more in touch with myself, I’m walking a path to reach a destination called this is who I am.