Anxiety Is A Hell Of A B*: Fluent In Anxiety

Isn’t it great to talk to someone all day? Get morning messages, good night texts, go out sometimes, just hang out randomly and etc. I don’t quite know I’ll explain what I’m feeling but I know very well indeed that anxiety is a hell of a b*.

As Louis The Hippie said, metaphorically and in other words, have you ever felt like you’re climbing a mountain to see what’s on the other side but at the end of the day it was just a rock? Or as this saying goes, you’re making a storm out of glass of water. That’s anxiety basically, and I’ve been here doing exactly that – a storm out of a glass of water – and over nothing.

Hypothetically. I feel like it’s been months since… Oh well! I feel like it’s been months since it happened but it’s just been a couple of days I swear. Hypothetically I’ve played out every single scenario on my mind and they are really deep and scary, I even already kind of had a preview of this person being out of my life for good or eventually leave and then come back again as if we were meant to be in each other’s lives but not with each other regardless of the connection we might have.

I know, it’s complicated and perhaps hard to understand but I’m writing exactly as my anxiety speaks, I’m being now fluent in anxiety. My body is actually shivering and (hypothetically) the scenarios keep playing in my mind as if I already ruined a relationship that doesn’t even exist.

Anxiety hell of a beast!

And why did I mention a connection before? This isn’t from yesterday, this isn’t from months ago, this isn’t just from years ago, (hypothetically) it’s a story that keeps happening, and every time it still feels the same.

Some say that for others doors to open sometimes we must close the door that is already open and the hopeless romantics say that we shouldn’t give up on love which I can’t say for sure that it’s love but it feels worth fighting for.

Anxiety takes over. My heart skips a bit every time I don’t get an answer, and that could take up more than twenty-four hours or a week – we shouldn’t be playing chess should we? Playing chess with life, playing chess with love – and then when I finally get my reply (hypothetically) pride (takes over) plays the twenty-four hours or one week late reply too. I’m such an idiot, I’m lying, I don’t play that card. I don’t like to pretend that I didn’t read a message, actually I answer as soon as possible so I won’t forget to because sometimes I forget too (and it could be for days) but also I dislike very much any notification sign that appears on my phone, so probably the unanswered will just be kept on read, I don’t like any notification, point blank!

Anxiety + Anxiety = Anxiety^2

I don’t know about the receiving end, I don’t know if they feel the same as me when it comes to replying, I don’t know if they feel like we’re putting too much pressure into it (myself) or if it’s just cool this way (himself/herself) but does anxiety plays a role on the receiving end as well? Do they play improbable scenarios on their minds too? Afff…



It Isn’t Only About The Millennials

These past few months I’ve been studying personality disorders and what is mental health, not only because I suffer from depression but because a great deal of what happened to me these past couple of years has made me look for closure, and believe me sometimes closure is within yourself, you may not need it from other people, ever.

I’ve been in forums and chat groups, help groups and people of all sort of ages are dealing with personality disorders without knowing, there are victims of personality disorders’ abuse, a even greater deal of people are dealing with mental health issues and they are not afraid of sharing anymore, even if they don’t show their faces or do, they are sharing because sharing your own true is so powerful.

People in their 40s, 50s and so on are dealing with things they’ve bottled up for so long, and in this time and era we’re helping them uncover the taboo and stigma. Although it is still very stigmatised, mental illness and the consequences from abuse from individuals with personality disorders, it is still a conversation that we must have, people are clearly not educated about none of it, they just end up suffering with the consequences, with the trauma and think that they have to move on and that’s it. There’s help people! No one is in this world alone, I can assure you that across the ocean or even your next door neighbour has been through something similar no matter how old they are.

We millennials are paving the way to fight against stigma, taboo, racism, discrimination, abuse, trauma and so on. We’re getting ready for a future generation, hopefully free of trauma, and we’re helping people understand that certain issues must be dealt with, there’s physical health but there is as well mental health and is very important. We are doing it so ourselves become better people, and so we can help people fight their battles and come away from the dark. As I say, I’m working on myself, for myself and for a better mental health for the future generation. Mental health is the very core of our soul and bodies, it can affect us in unimaginable ways, I can also impact our physical health so we must learn that they hold hands together all the time.


To The Know-It-All’s: I Am My Daughter’s Mother

Do I feed my baby too slow or at her pace? That is my concern. Does she smile to everyone or is she very shy because she isn’t around people often? That is my concern. Isn’t she going to the kindergarten yet? Is she potty training yet? That is my concern, I’m her mother and every mother is different, so is eveybaby. A quick reminder, no mother is doing better or being better. There is always a bunch of know-it-all’s that assume they know what is best for YOUR baby, some are not even parents yet and have the AUDACITY to point fingers and criticise everything you do.

I am my daughter’s mother. Do you know what is more important and people often oversee? Is to raise children free from trauma. Did you know that neglecting your child, being stressed around your child, force them to be and do what they don’t want and so much more can induce trauma? It can affect their personality traits, trauma can lead to personality disorders (which don’t have cure) or depression, and other mental health problems. A lot of what you do to your child and yourself when they are growing up is going to highly impact their development in all areas. Do I get frustrated sometimes? Yes I do. Am I a single mother? Yes I am. Is this your struggle? No it isn’t.

I am my daughter’s mother. Having her growing up inside of me, from very nothing to everything, from a tiny bean into this amazing little baby made me grow too. Everything has changed but some things have stayed the same, specially being a single mother, makes her being my own responsibility. Many times a woman has two or more children at home, including their partners. Sometimes their partners are completely useless – and don’t take me wrong, but I’ve been told this by many women – when it comes to parenthood until the baby is actually a child. But other partners are even worst, they like to be pampered all the time, almost as if they were competing with the children, almost as if they were a child as well.

I am my daughter’s mother. Did my sleep patterns changed? Yes. Is my baby sleeping and eating how she should? At times. But do I know why? Yes, and that’s what matters. Babies are by nature very active, once a doctor told me that during the first months of their lives they would actually sleepwalk if they were able to. Am I more tired? Definitely yes, I’m even taking magnesium tablets and it’s been one year and almost fifteen months already. Am I patient enough? Not like I would like to be but she’s teaching me. But is she patient enough? Really it’s all so new to her, and also, babies are bipolar by nature so when she cries and she’s neither in pain, sleepy, hungry or has a dirty nappy I feel so lost, the fact that she can’t just communicate with me on the same level makes me feel even more lost.

I am my daughter’s mother. And I dislike know-it-all’s very much indeed. Do I ask for advice? Yes, indeed, when needed. Do I have a great network support? Yes, indeed. Why do people insist in giving advice I didn’t ask for, advice about things they don’t even know about or haven’t even gone through yet – “My friend does this to her baby and you should try too.” – my baby is not your friend’s baby, my baby is MY baby. If I tell you that my baby doesn’t eat meat, don’t force her, if she doesn’t like something, don’t force her. Babies will naturally come to it. It took my nephew four years to eat meat. I am my daughter’s mother. Do I forbid my daughter from eating certain stuff? Don’t they say we are what we eat? Why would I feed rubbish to my baby? When I can make her eat healthy stuff and she can grow used to and into it? Why should she taste everything people want to give to her? Crisps? Chocolate? Etc… Why? I am my daughter’s mother so why shouldn’t I have a say? Is it good for her to spend time with me? Of course it is! People are more worried about children who spend more time with their parents rather than worrying about their own lives, truly. Worry about raising children free from trauma, healthy humans. Worry about that for a change. I’m here, doing my work and if you want to be just another parent, just another human, so be it but don’t interfere with the work I’m doing, on myself, for myself and for my daughter!


No One Told Me

No one told me what to do when I think so much about you and no one explained to me that this would be this way, again.

No one told me if this is the right thing to do or the wrong one, but you always make me feel right, you touch my soul all the time.

No one told me it would feel the same, that my heart would nearly stop again. Why didn’t anyone warn me?

No one told me not to do it, they just advised but what advice can fight the strength of your own heart?

No one told me that I might or could or shouldn’t fall for you but they told me that either way, they’ll be here to catch me, support me or dry my tears.

#strongnetworksupport #strongfoundations


Crash And Burn

Please, do yourself a favour, remember every time you crashed and burned. Remember every time you drove so fast and hit a wall. Remember every time love felt so easy and ended so badly. Please, remember those lessons.

If you crash and burn, even more than one time, there’s a reason for it. I’m learning how to break old habits, old patterns. I’m holding myself back every time I feel like I’m slipping, I crashed and burned way too many times that now I ask questions, either to myself or the other part and I want answers, concrete ones even if it is “let’s take it slow” or “let’s see how it goes”. Notice that you’re being given time, time to process, to analyse, to learn and to re-think, to not get lost. Many times the other part wants what’s best for us, sometimes they are and sometimes they aren’t, which means that sometimes they are teaching us not to crash and burn and that the doors will still be open for new opportunities because you gave – and you were given – time.

I’ve always thought love was infinite so I’ve always ran into it, I never listened I only lived in the moment and most of the times I didn’t even realised that the moment was over. I was still living in the honeymoon phase, but by myself, believing in a love that never really existed because you believe, you just believe in love don’t you? What are we if we don’t believe in love? What are we if we believe in love? That is the question…

I’ve moved on from crash and burn and honeymoon phases – of course the beginning will always be that way – but now I listen and read between the lines. I ask questions, I ask as many as I have to understand where I’m standing because it’s my own right, as long as I’m involved I have my own rights, I mean I might be walking over broken glass without even knowing, look how dangerous that might be. Broken glass leads to broken things, broken friendships, broken relationships, broken foundations. It’s good to get to know each other, to build a strong foundation, to start over new, to find yourself again.

If I’ve waited so long for someone who’d take it slow with me why would I want to rush things and burn everything? I’m not other people, I don’t get to know someone and get married in three months and live happily ever after, or get married after three years or more and live happily ever after or miserably ever after. Other people’s stories are not my story, not an example or a set of expectations for myself and my story. Other people’s love stories are theirs, they belong to them, and that I must learn too. If it’s bound to happen it’s going to happen, if it’s meant to be it’s going to happen.


Time was given to me, to learn and I appreciate that. Time was given to me to have a great love holding me in their arms back, and I appreciate that. Only time will tell me where we’ll go from here. No expectations, only timing. If it wasn’t the timing I wouldn’t be in the place I am now. We’re allowed to be broken and then find ourselves again, that’s one of the beauties of life, being able to rediscover a whole self again without losing its essence. Being able to rediscover fire, love and flames without losing its warmth.

So please, every time you’re about to slip, stop and remember the timing, you can’t control that but you can control your actions therefore you can control if you’re going to crash and burn or not. You control your life, timing merely shows and teaches you at what pace you should go.


Measure The Butterflies Before Pouring Them Into The Batter

Have you ever felt so excited about someone that you go blind? You know how they say love is blind, right? And that feeling of butterflies in your stomach?

The night before a date, even knowing you could crash and burn, you’re still so excited and the feeling of the butterflies are overwhelming. You go to bed imagining all sort of scenarios – What if we start dating? How is it going to be if we become a couple? I know he respects me as a friend, but will it be the same as a girlfriend? Will my parents accept him? Will my friends accept him? What if he has a kid from a previous relationship? What if I have a kid from a previous relationship? Could we even become a couple? Could we get married? Could we have (more) kids together? – you just get so anxious about all these and some other scenarios that you start thinking to yourself – “Maybe I should take a step back and analyse my feelings and the situation better” – this is what I call Measuring The Butterflies Before Pouring Them Into The Batter.

Let’s forget about the hypotheticals, about the first kisses and passionate sex. Let’s talk, let’s have a conversation, let’s touch each other’s souls without removing each other’s clothes. Let’s take step by step, maybe a second date, maybe a third and a fourth, until it’s necessary. Let’s be friends, built a foundation, put all the cards on the table and the truths all out, with time of course. Let’s wander the paradise together, completely dressed and drift in the moment, in the very present and hold hands like little children do. Let’s be innocent for a while and remember who we are so we know where we’re going. Let’s let it happen, let it be!


I Don’t Want A High Maintenance Relationship/Marriage

What do I mean by high maintenance?

Do you know those types of relationships where one of the parts has always to feel insecure and paranoid? It takes them to a point where they have to take control of the entire relationship just so they are happy (or appear to be)? Where one of the parts has to go through their partners’ phone all the time or controlling the hours they leave work and then get home, or where they’ve been and who with? You know what? I’m already exhausted whilst writing this but for me, that’s pretty much what a high maintenance relationship looks like, and it’s exhausting, tiring, draining.

So when I say I don’t want to be in a high maintenance relationship I mean that I don’t want to be going through all of it again – yes I’ve been in one – this time I want a love that sets me free, of course loving myself is enough and will set me free in ways I’ve never even imagined but it doesn’t mean I want to spend the rest of my life alone so when this love that will set me even more free comes, I’ll appreciate it and enjoy it.

Let’s see, why are people in high maintenance relationships?

  1. They haven’t learned how to love themselves in the first place. It is very important that one loves themselves first, before anyone else. Learn what is love, appreciate every single part of you and be thankful and grateful for them. Clear your mind from any troubles and see how much in yourselves is there to love, you might find yourself surprised.
  2. They haven’t learned how to be alone with the self. Being alone is not as bad as it seems, getting home and not having no one there not even a dog is not as bad as it seems. Maybe, at the beginning, during the first experience of living or being alone it will feel frustrating, but being alone, taking time to be alone will grow in you. You’ll finally feel as one and from there ready to face an array of challenges.
  3. They haven’t explored their spirituality and their higher self. You’re still on a quest about who you truly are, about what happiness is and how to achieve it. You are you, you’ll just have to adapt to situations and different phases of your life but you won’t stop being you, probably you’ll end up finding much more about you, like how strong, courageous, powerful and loved you are. You shouldn’t look for happiness, because happiness is a path. See, if you take a road to someone you don’t know you’ll have to take directions but if you take a road, to a place you know, everyday you won’t need directions. Always take a road towards happiness, no matter which road that is, just take it without taking directions or being afraid.
  4. They are afraid of being alone or ending up alone. The real millennial dilemma, the fear of being alone. Being too young and already fearing they will end up their lives all alone. The only thing here blocking the passage for true love is exactly that fear. You can commit mistakes, be in relationships and have break-ups that will teach you great lessons but please do not stay in a high maintenance relationship for the sake of fear.